Wolffe's Ways

183. Grab a pack and hit the trail

I really would like to right now... But it's the middle of winter and let me tell you that it's snowing like no tomorrow... My eldest son just went back to college and it took him much longer than the standard two hours to get there... Yeah. He left here at like six thirty in the morning and didn't get there until around noon. Sheesh. So, going anywhere, even close to home is not something I am considering doing for a bit.

I'm a bit disappointed in the fact that it seems I'm more and more isolated from people. This happens every winter mind you, but in the past few years I've at least kept in touch with some people via the internet and the phone. I think that the fact my computer is being such a pain in the ass is really starting to get to me. This is the first time in days it has actually acted right. So yippee,yippee,yippee hare`. I've kind of internalized a lot. I also seem to lose patience on the phone a bit more lately. I want to talk to people mind you, but at the same time... I don't know, it feels like my internal clock just starts to tick,tick,tick. It's actually a very weird sensation. :( I'm not too happy about it.

This time of the year is very hard on me anyway... I'm coming up on the anniversary on the explosion of The Challenger and I always get extremely touchy, pushing people away and then pulling at them at the same time. I'm very grumbly. :( I'm actually doing better this year than I have in years past. I don't know if it is because I have a pretty good support system in place, if it's because I'm just getting better with age or what the deal is... But even though I'm bitchy I'm not the royal bitch I could be.

Perhaps I am moving on in my own way, even while standing still? It's a thought. I do know that I love those in my life a great deal and I am feeling returns on that more and more in many aspects which is good. I have come a long way in how I relate to people I think, because there was a time when I really couldn't allow myself to become emotionally intimate with people at all. Allowing myself to do so is a big deal for me. I still have a long way to go with this, and breaking my arm to pat myself on the back for a job well done is not something that I should necessarily be doing, I know this. But I do want to acknowledge that I have made significant progress, because not doing that either is a bad thing too.

I have an appointment with a new counselor on Wed. at 10 am. which I really want to make it to, but I am kind of nervous about the idea that I have to travel in the snow to get there and back. :( It will be worth it to deal with a lot of the issues I have left unresolved over time though. Because even though I have dealt with a lot of things, I still have a lot going on that I just don't really deal with on a daily basis, I tend to stuff until things pop out and force me to deal with them. One thing which is rather 'good' is that I discovered by talking with lordvyle that he used to see this guy and he was really good for him. (I guess that once he lost his insurance he just stopped going?) So he comes well recommended... I'm hoping he does well by me. We shall see what we shall see. This definitely comes at a much needed moment in time.

Tuesday I will finally have fulfilled my more than four year oath not to cut my hair and I am going to have it cut. It will be nice and short, though I still want to leave enough that it will 'shake out' and be feminine... I do not want to end up looking 'dykie' as it were. I guess that it really is true, you can walk a long path without necessarily going anywhere... Which seems to be what this entry really adds up to in a lot of ways.

I still want to grab that pack and just hit the trail, but for now I'll be content to stay right here. You bet.